Desperation

I feel like I complain a lot about the last few years. Yes, it has been hard, but there have been some incredibly joyous and wonderfully intense moments also. That said, I wanted to scream like a banshee, cuss a blue streak, throw something against a wall, something, on Thursday. Hearing someone talk, he said something about opening everything up to God, giving it all to Him - I don't remember the wording really - and if we're basically there and don't know what else to open up, take a look at where we're frustrated maybe. I wanted to cry immediately, because quick as could be, I knew where the bulk of my frustration lay.

As I thought about it, I began to get so angry, I threw a mental tantrum. This has been a long, tough, painful season, and even though not much has changed in my circumstances, over the last week I've felt less raw, not so battered, that I was getting a chance to catch my breath and recover a bit. Now God is asking me to walk right into another storm, and I still hurt, I'm still exhausted, and I still don't quite understand what I've learned from the last season. I have the choice to say no, not yet, but the thing that makes me want to punch a hole through the wall is that I do want what God wants for me. For me, there's no other option, and I've already said yes regardless, and I'm going to do it. I just haven't had much distance from the previous pain of the last molding season, and I'm walking, limping really, into the next.

Jacob and his wrestle with the Lord comes to mind...


Raw and unplugged, this is me.