Desperation

I feel like I complain a lot about the last few years. Yes, it has been hard, but there have been some incredibly joyous and wonderfully intense moments also. That said, I wanted to scream like a banshee, cuss a blue streak, throw something against a wall, something, on Thursday. Hearing someone talk, he said something about opening everything up to God, giving it all to Him - I don't remember the wording really - and if we're basically there and don't know what else to open up, take a look at where we're frustrated maybe. I wanted to cry immediately, because quick as could be, I knew where the bulk of my frustration lay.

As I thought about it, I began to get so angry, I threw a mental tantrum. This has been a long, tough, painful season, and even though not much has changed in my circumstances, over the last week I've felt less raw, not so battered, that I was getting a chance to catch my breath and recover a bit. Now God is asking me to walk right into another storm, and I still hurt, I'm still exhausted, and I still don't quite understand what I've learned from the last season. I have the choice to say no, not yet, but the thing that makes me want to punch a hole through the wall is that I do want what God wants for me. For me, there's no other option, and I've already said yes regardless, and I'm going to do it. I just haven't had much distance from the previous pain of the last molding season, and I'm walking, limping really, into the next.

Jacob and his wrestle with the Lord comes to mind...


Raw and unplugged, this is me.

Doing the Daily and I'm Yours

I really do want to write in this some more, I just don't have a computer right now, and it's been crazy (as usual). So this post is kind of a two-in-one...

Doing the Daily

I've been insanely sick the last couple of weeks. By the third time, I was like, "All right, this is ridiculous! This is obviously an attack from the enemy - I just wish I knew what I did to tick him off so royally!!!" Yeah, I know, I was having a pity party. So anyway, my brother calls and I'm chatting with him, telling him everything that's been going on. I tell him that part about wanting to know what I was did that got satan so mad, and he said, "Maybe it's not anything special. It's probably you doing your daily that was making such an impact."

Hold the phone.

That thought threw me for a loop. It just didn't occur to me that the everyday stuff, the persevering when there's nothing left, the little things to keep on keeping on, make incredible headway. That help me put things in perspective, bringing home lessons that I've learned and am now connecting. I've always wanted to be known in hell as "that one who advances the kingdom of heaven at all cost." It is now registering that it isn't only the big events that put a screw in the works. Being who I am, having that relationship with my God, Savior, Lover, etc, also rains on the enemy's parade. I love the concept of taking on hell with a water pistol by doing the daily!

I am yours

I do believe that revelation helped me when I was in worship last Wednesday, as we we're singing "We are Yours,We are Yours, We are Yours." There was a further commitment in my heart that yes, I am God's, what ever He says. I am just getting over this season of my spiritual and emotional part being as raw as sandpaper, so there wasn't the snot-nosed, sucking carpet confession and re-dedication. Just this knowing in my heart and my knower that I am God's completely. Even if I have to walk through painful times. I've been there, haven't particularly enjoyed it, but I've learned through it. There may be harder times to come, easier times, joy-filled or sorrow-laden seasons. Whatever. I am Yours Lord, and I'm not going back. I love You too desperately.

That's me for now.