Desperation

I feel like I complain a lot about the last few years. Yes, it has been hard, but there have been some incredibly joyous and wonderfully intense moments also. That said, I wanted to scream like a banshee, cuss a blue streak, throw something against a wall, something, on Thursday. Hearing someone talk, he said something about opening everything up to God, giving it all to Him - I don't remember the wording really - and if we're basically there and don't know what else to open up, take a look at where we're frustrated maybe. I wanted to cry immediately, because quick as could be, I knew where the bulk of my frustration lay.

As I thought about it, I began to get so angry, I threw a mental tantrum. This has been a long, tough, painful season, and even though not much has changed in my circumstances, over the last week I've felt less raw, not so battered, that I was getting a chance to catch my breath and recover a bit. Now God is asking me to walk right into another storm, and I still hurt, I'm still exhausted, and I still don't quite understand what I've learned from the last season. I have the choice to say no, not yet, but the thing that makes me want to punch a hole through the wall is that I do want what God wants for me. For me, there's no other option, and I've already said yes regardless, and I'm going to do it. I just haven't had much distance from the previous pain of the last molding season, and I'm walking, limping really, into the next.

Jacob and his wrestle with the Lord comes to mind...


Raw and unplugged, this is me.

Doing the Daily and I'm Yours

I really do want to write in this some more, I just don't have a computer right now, and it's been crazy (as usual). So this post is kind of a two-in-one...

Doing the Daily

I've been insanely sick the last couple of weeks. By the third time, I was like, "All right, this is ridiculous! This is obviously an attack from the enemy - I just wish I knew what I did to tick him off so royally!!!" Yeah, I know, I was having a pity party. So anyway, my brother calls and I'm chatting with him, telling him everything that's been going on. I tell him that part about wanting to know what I was did that got satan so mad, and he said, "Maybe it's not anything special. It's probably you doing your daily that was making such an impact."

Hold the phone.

That thought threw me for a loop. It just didn't occur to me that the everyday stuff, the persevering when there's nothing left, the little things to keep on keeping on, make incredible headway. That help me put things in perspective, bringing home lessons that I've learned and am now connecting. I've always wanted to be known in hell as "that one who advances the kingdom of heaven at all cost." It is now registering that it isn't only the big events that put a screw in the works. Being who I am, having that relationship with my God, Savior, Lover, etc, also rains on the enemy's parade. I love the concept of taking on hell with a water pistol by doing the daily!

I am yours

I do believe that revelation helped me when I was in worship last Wednesday, as we we're singing "We are Yours,We are Yours, We are Yours." There was a further commitment in my heart that yes, I am God's, what ever He says. I am just getting over this season of my spiritual and emotional part being as raw as sandpaper, so there wasn't the snot-nosed, sucking carpet confession and re-dedication. Just this knowing in my heart and my knower that I am God's completely. Even if I have to walk through painful times. I've been there, haven't particularly enjoyed it, but I've learned through it. There may be harder times to come, easier times, joy-filled or sorrow-laden seasons. Whatever. I am Yours Lord, and I'm not going back. I love You too desperately.

That's me for now.

Gather Not a Few

About a week or so ago, I received a bill from my car insurance company. It's been off to a rocky start, and I sighed as I opened it, wondering what I'll have to fix this time. With my finances so incredibly tight, I knew if I could manage any more unexpected expenses. I open the bill and stare for a minute. Then I start praising God, shouting and hitting my steering wheel like a mad woman. This bill was nearly a hundred dollars less than expected. I was so overwhelmed, cause I knew I could pay the original, but only just, and God went over and above what I was expecting.


I then remembered a concept I read in a book, of something that happened in the Bible. In 2 Kings, chapter 4 or there abouts, is the story of the widow of a prophet, and Elisha going to her house during a famine asking for food. She responds that she has only this bit of oil and flour for her and her son. Elisha tells her to gather jars, borrow jars from her neighbors, Gather not a few. The widow, not knowing what he is about, gathers all the jars and does as Elisha says and pours her little oil into the jars. She has enough to fill them all, some of which she can keep, some she can sell.


Now, widow, not really knowing Elisha or what was going on, gathered as many jars she could find, expecting he would do something. Why do I, who knows how big, generous, loving, etc, my God is, only put out my faith for a little blessing, or "just enough", thinking that I can just get by?


Gather not a few, He says. Let His provision and blessing blow me out of the water. Come expectant and expecting, knowing He can and will and lovesto fill up our jars.


God's so awesome....

Going through the valley

I have a poem I wrote during the 40 days of fasting and praying. I like poetry and prose, it's what I do, and it sometimes expresses things better than a whole bunch of words. One unique thing about this one is that it was a journey. I began it at the beginning of the 40 days, and finished it at the end. It still calls stuff out of my heart...

Through the Valley

Psalms 139, 23

Storms rage, the winds roar
The foundation shakes but stands whole
I hang on to that, my rock, my faith
The world tremors and crumbles
And I hold fast.
Then a whirlwind comes
Everything - Everything disappears
And my heart is plunged into blackness.
There have been many trials
Many obstacles, many attacks
Hurts have cut deep
as to leave me breathless,
And, I've found my way home.
And yet,
I stand here trembling.

It has never been so dark.

Lord...


There are no words
Nothing that even begins to flesh out
My desperation,
My need,
My heart's cry.
The Valley of the Shadow of Death has found me
And I can't even find the light that makes the shadow.
One step.
Another.
Making my way through the valley,
Broken,
Shattered,
Convinced of my God and who He is
But feeling so alone,
So overwhelmed by the darkness.
A whisper of breath,
An ethereal caress,
And assurance settles deep in my heart.
"Jesus can find you in the darkness."
A hand holds mine
And walks along side of me,
Guiding me through the darkness,
No longer overwhelming or frightening,
But surrounding us in intimacy.

Jesus...

His presence turns my upside down world
Into absolute peace.
The storms, the winds, the darkness-
Nothing matters.
He fills me and restores my soul.
It takes flight and I proclaim:
He is Everything!
My Everything!

Beginning of thoughts

So, here we go...

It has been such an interesting time the last few years, going from being a foreign missionary to figuring out what I am doing with my life. A conversation I had with someone some months ago comes to mind: some people are late bloomers - I think I may be working on a different kind of bloom from the one before. I feel... unsettled the majority of the time, trying to find my way, fighting off feelings of where my worth is, and what difference I am actually making in the world...

I got such an encouraging email the other day. A friend of mine is in Europe right now, preparing to minister in Germany... let me let you read what she wrote:

My bro. is with YWAM in Kona, Hawaii and just did an outreach to Sweden, Paris and Norweigh (I can't spell that!) We went to Paris to meet him and his team--- God did amazing things there, too! We handed out tons of Bibles on the street to Muslims and they were very hungry for God's word! A good handful of people were saved... I was amazed. I thought of you while I was there and thought, "This is the harvest from Akpene's work!" It was really exciting--- and I think that Europe is on the verge of a huge revival!

Many times, numerous times in my walk, I just don't see the fruit of what I'm doing, and I wonder if I've even made an impact. God in his graciousness sometimes allows an open window to actually see some fruit... does that resonate with anyone?

So, that was cool, a little pick me up to help me understand that whatever I do, no matter how insignificant it seems, it's all for the glory of God. That's important to me, and I'm glad God let me see that...